Thursday, May 26, 2011

You Can Be In Love for Life

It has always been the fantasy. To meet the man or woman of your dreams and to live blissfully together until death do you part. Problem is that half of all marriages end in divorce. And yes, I know that according to some, this particular statistic isn't all that accurate, but the truth is that breaking up is, at best, a painful process, and most of us have had more experience with it than we care to remember.
It has been known for a very long time that those in healthy marriages or long-term relationships have lower mortality rates and better immune systems, and now scientists are attributing lower stress levels to those fortunate enough to be in loving committed relationships. So who wouldn't want love with benefits like a longer life and soul-warming affection?
Well, once you've had a bad relationship, no matter how it ended, getting back in the saddle can be as daunting as auditioning for American Idol. But you can't win if you don't play, and going about finding a mate half-heartedly will only get you half a love. Should you decide to jump in again, here's some great news.
According to an article on Match.com, a postdoctoral researcher at U.C. Santa Barbara, Bianca Acevedo, discovered through the use of surveys and brain scans that even after 20 years of togetherness, about 30 percent of married couples stay "in love." Another survey said that 18 percent of couples were still "very intensely in love" after 10 years or more.
This blows away the previous studies that say most people only stay in love for six months to three years, long enough to bear a child. I never really bought into that one. Even after a very difficult time, couples who work at it can put the love back into their relationships. To some, it comes as easily as realizing that they have become distant from their partners and making the decision to change it. Just remember that making this happen takes both effort and desire.
For love to work, you have to believe in it. I know many couples on second and third marriages who say they are happier than they have ever been. Don't think that a false start or two makes you damaged goods. The truth is that you must have learned something, and chances are you won't make the same mistake again.
Being in love for life doesn't mean that you will stay with your high-school sweetheart. It means that at any time you can make the choice to change your situation and make your life one of love and support. No, you won't always be right and your mate won't laugh at all your jokes, but if you work to create true love, you will have something more precious than jewels. Ask anyone who has lost the love of their life: what they would trade to have that person back? If yours is still here, make it happen. If not, go find one. Life is too short to stand on the sidelines.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Do's and Don'ts When Communicating with Your Workaholic Partner

Ellen's husband is a workaholic. Before their relationship became serious, she often admired how goal-oriented and driven he was. As their commitment to one another grew stronger and they eventually married, what Ellen previously saw as a character strength turned into something annoying and hurtful.

After almost two decades of marriage, Ellen has grown used to being very flexible. Changing plans at the last minute and making apologies to others for her husband's absence has become commonplace. She appreciates the abundant salary that her husband brings in and she is happy that he enjoys his work.

Ellen only wishes that her husband was as intense and focused on their marriage as he is on his career. She feels lonely and resentful more often than she likes to admit.

In these days where businesses are trying to do more with less, putting in extra time at work happens a lot. Couples find themselves planning date nights and time together far in advance just because their schedules-- both work and family responsibilities-- have become so full.

Some people take putting in that extra effort at the office to a compulsive level. These people are workaholics. There are certainly varying degrees of workaholic behavior and some really need the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

In general, a workaholic is defined as someone who has an "unrelenting" and "compulsive" desire to work.

If your partner seems to you to be a workaholic, you may already have experienced tension in your relationship when you have tried to talk with him or her about this. Perhaps you've used different tactics and brought up the subject of your mate's work habits in less direct ways.

But, still you encountered defensiveness and maybe even hostility from your partner.

The way that you communicate what you want and what you'd like to change about your love relationship or marriage is crucial. You can essentially say the same thing but have drastically different results depending on how you say it.

Remember these Dos and Don'ts as you talk with your workaholic mate... 

Do be honest. 
The time for claiming to be "fine" when you really aren't is over.  As much as you don't want to make your partner angry, you lying about how you truly feel when he or she cancels your date (for the umpteenth time) is not going to help your relationship.

Being honest doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to pick a fight with your partner or that you're going to try to guilt trip or manipulate him or her either. It's about being real and authentic about this situation and your experience of it.

Don't assume that you know why your partner is a workaholic. 
You might have a good idea about why your mate seems to compulsively work. Maybe he or she has a low self esteem or had a traumatic childhood and you believe that there is a link between the workaholic tendencies and these things.

You might be accurate and you might not be.

If you are interested in why your partner works as incessantly as he or she does, find ways to ask. When you two are alone and talking, you might ask your mate something like this: "Please help me understand why you work as many hours as you do...." or "I want to understand why you work so much..."

Whatever you choose to say, make sure that you truly do want to better understand. Really listen to what your partner says in response.

Do focus on how you feel and what you want. 
Again, being honest is really important. You might not be able to force your partner to stop working so many hours or to keep your dates, but you can let him or her know that you have feelings and preferences too.

Keep your words focused on how YOU feel. Instead of saying something like, "You don't want to be with me," try "I feel sad and lonely when we don't have regular connecting time every day." 

Resist the urge to assume that you know how your partner feels or what motivates him or her to work so much. Instead, be clear about how you feel and make requests to help bring some positive changes.

Do be flexible AND honor your boundaries.
It is important to be flexible in a relationship because there are often times when negotiation and patience are required. At the same time, it's essential that you honor your boundaries and needs.

You might not have a choice when your mate calls to tell you that he or she will be working late even though you two have tickets to a concert that night. If your partner has made the decision to stay late and work instead of go to the concert, you have the power to be honest about your feelings AND you can decide what you will do.

Maybe you'll decide to invite a friend to go with you to the concert instead. Perhaps there's a way to switch the tickets to a different night.

Give yourself the space to be flexible when it feels okay to you to do so and also to honor your boundaries and make the choice to do what you want to do given the situation you're in.

Don't issue an ultimatum-- unless you are willing to follow through. 
It can be tempting to issue an ultimatum to your workaholic partner. It can be frustrating and upsetting when you're honest about how you feel and try to set boundaries or create agreements and nothing seems to bring the change you want.

The only time that ultimatums are effective are when you are 100% willing to follow through with your threat. If you set before your partner the choice of his or her work OR you, it's possible that your partner will choose work.

You might be ready to make the choice to end the relationship is significant changes don't happen-- there's nothing wrong with this.  Just be sure that you are making the decision about what's best for you in the long-term and the short-term in advance of communicating. 

Can You Truly "Be Friends" With Your Ex?

When a couple ends their love relationship or marriage, in the majority of cases, both people want it to be an amicable break up.  Quite often, the two will promise to be "friends" as they make the transition to single life.

We're completely in support of there being as much respect and kindness as possible during and after a relationship break up.  However, many times the desire to stay friends and maintain a strong friendship with one's ex causes all kinds of problems.

While it is absolutely possible to be friends-- even good friends-- with your ex, this needs to happen with a lot of clarity, honesty and consciousness.

Take Jim and Candace for example...

When Jim and Candace got divorced, they were so intent on making the changes easy for their kids, they pledged to be friends no matter what. They promised one another that-- for the sake of their children's happiness-- they would continue to make one another a top priority, they would all spend regular time together as a family and they would always "be there" for each other.

This seemed to be working out well, until Jim started dating again.  He still had dinner with Candace and the kids a few times a week. He still e-mailed and texted with Candace-- about the kids and other topics too-- at least once a day. And, Jim willingly continued to be the first person that Candace turned to with a problem.

As you might guess, when Jim's girlfriend saw how involved he continued to be with Candace, she felt jealous. Even though Candace was outwardly supportive of Jim's new love relationship, inside she was devastated. Candace felt betrayed and hurt, regardless of how supportive she was trying to be when she talked with Jim.

Jim felt torn and unhappy about the whole situation.

Can you be friends with your ex?

Yes!

Is it always wise or in your best interests to be friends with your
ex?

Not necessarily.

Know your motives. 
Before you promise your soon-to-be ex that you two will "always be friends," stop. Before you continue to be best buddies with your ex, stop. Take some time to examine your own motives.

When you're completely honest with yourself, are you only agreeing to be friends with your ex because you are holding out hope that one day the two of you will reunite?

Are you saying "yes" to a friendship with him or her not because you really want to, but because you feel like this is letting your ex down easier?

Are agreeing to be friends as a way to feel safer, less lonely or to have someone to help you take care of your home or other responsibilities?

There are all kinds of motivations that might be compelling you to be friends with your ex. It is understandable that you might want certain roles that he or she used to play continue. It is also understandable that you might want to keep some level of interaction alive-- even if it is not what it used to be (or what you really want).

You're not wrong for wanting to be friends- or even more than friends-- with your ex. After all, you have most likely shared quite a bit of life and yourself with this person. It makes sense that you may wish to hold on to that connection in whatever form you possibly can.

What we're urging you to do is to recognize the reasons why you want to be friends with your ex. Remember, being kind, considerate and respectful are not necessarily the same thing as being friends.

Being friends with someone almost always involves a level of commitment and emotional intimacy. Being kind, considerate and respectful can make interactions with another person more pleasant and peaceful.

If you're starting to see that your motivations are leading you toward heartbreak, bitterness or resentment, remind yourself of this important difference.

Allow space for healing. 
Even if after considering your motivations you do decide that remaining friends with your ex is wise and appealing to you, take some time for just yourself and your healing. It's vital that you give yourself space to start the healing process and to adjust to the transitions taking place in your life.

It's just about impossible to wake up one day married or as lovers and then the next day declare-- and really believe it-- that you're just friends.

Deliberately widen your pool of support people. Re-connect with friends and family members who can possibly be there for you when you need a hug, advice, help with a clogged drain or other things that your ex used to do for you.

Make completions with your past relationship and grieve for its ending if that's how you feel. Take the time to really listen to how you feel and give yourself what you need.

Shift your expectations and create a new friend relationship, if you choose.
Be clear with yourself and with your ex about your new friendship.  Let him or her know what being friends means to you and then follow through with what you've stated.

If you feel jealous of your ex's new partner or you are annoyed when he or she doesn't call or e-mail you as much as you'd like, this is a signal for you to once again explore your motives. Acknowledge your feelings and re-visit the question of how healthy maintaining this level of friendship or interaction is for you.

Again, remind yourself that your ex is not the only person in your life who can be a source of support, companionship, fun and love. If you're having a difficult time thinking of anyone else who can do this, challenge yourself. Open up to new friendships with others and to deeper connections with the people you already know. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Create Agreements that Will Make Life with Your Woman Easier...and Sexier Too!

 Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown arguments are happening more and more frequently. 

The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and profitable yet.

Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not so sure.

She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him to look for what she calls a "real job."

They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one another-- or laughed together either.

In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the opposition.

For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your kids.

In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing you two apart.

One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation is to create agreements about it.

The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen and try to understand one another's positions.

As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make love with you when there is an unresolved issue.

On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be more open to sex.

Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult issue, but also to most closer to one another.

Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.

You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are open-- to modifications to this proposal.

Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this is something that is feasible to continue.

Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an agreement.

There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she doesn't stop the cheating.

An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a way to re-connect with your partner.

Incorporate her ideas too. 
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities and what you want.

Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the agreement as she states them.

Take the time to feel into yourself.  What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?

Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.

Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
about.

When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if they seem small or less significant.

Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.

The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer to your woman in the process. 

How to Communicate with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Jealousy

Joe's wife, Kristi, has a jealousy problem and he's had enough. It seems that every single day there is new drama in their marriage...generated by her.

It's often the same turn of events. Joe comes home a little late because he's been tied up at work or maybe he needs a little time to unwind after a long day, so he stops for a drink with a co-worker.

Then, when Joe does arrive home, it seems like he's always greeted with accusations and interrogations. Joe wants to know how to talk with Kristi about her jealousy before it's too late for their marriage.

When it comes to jealousy, talking with your partner in a way that doesn't tear you further apart can be really tricky.

It may be obvious to you that your mate has a problem. The number of times that he or she has flown off the handle and accused you of flirting, looking at others or even having an affair may be too many to count.

On the other hand, if you are the one who tends to get jealous, it may be obvious to you that your partner is the one with the problem.

Perhaps, from your point of view, he or she truly is a flirt and sometimes even talks, looks at or touches others in ways that you find inappropriate.

What's your perspective? 
When it comes to jealousy, your perspective can truly alter what you see. It can mean the difference between words or actions being innocent and "no big deal" OR them being suspicious and betraying.

This is really important to remember as you set about to communicate about jealousy in a way that helps you and your partner move closer together.

Try to move beyond the question of who's right and who's wrong.

You are certainly experiencing a situation in a particular way and your mate is probably experiencing the same situation differently.

In order for the two of you to be able to talk about what you each want and to create agreements you both can stick with, it's vital that you remind yourself that your perspective is not the only
perspective of what's going on.

Does this mean that you have to just sit there silently while, for example, your boyfriend so clearly checks out an attractive woman who walks by?

Of course not.

What it means is that instead of yelling around about it or storming off, you make a clear and, as calm as possible, choice about what you'll do next.

Speak honestly and about your feelings. The next time that Joe comes home late to an irate wife, he does something out of the ordinary.

He hears her litany of questions... "Where were you? How do I know you were really at work? When will you learn to treat me with respect and call me when you'll be late?"

Then, Joe tells Kristi that he's going to take a few moments by himself and then he'd like to talk with her about this whole situation.

She is surprised, because this is not Joe's usual reaction, which is to yell back at her that she needs to just trust him and stay out of his business.

During this time alone, Joe takes some deep breaths and calms down. When he steps back from his own perspective for a moment, he can understand why Kristi would be upset and even feel jealous and worried.

Joe returns to Kristi and apologizes for being late and for his habit of not calling to let her know his plans. He then opens up and shares with her how sad he feels about the tension and conflict between them lately.

He tells her that knows that he's not easy to live with and that he feels trapped and boxed in when Kristi lays in on him with accusations and interrogations.

Together, Joe and Kristi begin to sort through how they each feel. A greater understanding of where they are both coming from results.

There is no magic cure for jealousy.

But, when you can begin to own and communicate honestly about your emotions and you take responsibility for your share in the habits that are driving you two apart, magical things can happen.

Choose words that reflect your experience of the situation. Do not label your partner's experience or guess what he or she wants or is feeling.

You can always ask questions to get more information about what's happening for him or her.

For example, Joe says to Kristi, "I get really angry when you automatically assume that I'm sleeping around with another woman because I get home late. But, I wonder if you are afraid that that's exactly what I'm doing when I don't call. Is that true for you?"

When you ask a question, be sure you really listen to your mate's response. Even if you don't agree with his or her perspective, you might be able to better understand what's going on for him or her when you do.

From this place of listening and sharing honestly, you and your partner can create agreements that will help you to overcome jealousy, bolster trust and begin to move closer together. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship

Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?

It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what relationships are all about.

We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a particular conflict or disagreement.

It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.

You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or gender that you learned growing up.

The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship.  You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself for the sake of your partner.

This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment, you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you aren't giving yourself what you need.

You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be able to be.

Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in your relationship.

You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you.  After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his or hers.

This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are closed down and distant with one another.

Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to create in the first place.

Stay in touch and aware of what you want. 
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.

When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your mate.

Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would like to have happen next.

You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.

Have the courage and patience to stay open. 
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last, it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or that you will always "get your way."

Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay open and be patient.

Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.

Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision or outcome that you two make together might not be what you initially expected-- it could be even better.

If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent.  Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how much closer you and your partner have become in the process. 

Is it Possible to "Agree to Disagree" with Your Partner and Stay Connected?

We've all been there.

You and someone you care deeply about just don't see eye to eye about a particular issue. You may debate with one another and even argue in favor of your perspective, but to no avail.

You and this special someone in your life finally decide to "agree to disagree" about this topic.

It's usually far easier to "agree to disagree" with an extended family member, a friend or a co-worker. After all, quite often you don't live with these people and there is some amount of distance between you that makes this kind of a pseudo-resolution work.

But when you and your partner in a love relationship or marriage have reached the point that neither of you is willing to budge and the only thing you can do is "agree to disagree," disconnection can result.

While it's true you cannot force your mate to believe that your perspective is better and it's inadvisable to simply go along with your partner's plan to "keep the peace," you do need to find a way to communicate about this tricky topic and keep your connection strong.

With an open heart and a willingness to listen, you may find that you and your partner don't have to see eye to eye about everything and you can still stay close.

Joe and Brandy have been through this discussion before and, yet again, it's ended up in a stalemate. Joe thinks that it's time their teenage son start learning to drive.

Although their son is only 14, Joe wants to begin teaching him how to drive-- starting out in parking lots or on rural roads.

Brandy is staunchly against this idea. She's read the statistics of how many teen boys get into car accidents and she would rather their son wait until he's 18 to drive, not 14.

Brandy is willing to consider driving lessons for their son when he's 16, but not a day
sooner!

After going round and round about this, Joe and Brandy have decided to "agree to disagree." The problem is, Joe is beginning to think that he and their son will have to sneak these driving lessons that Joe feels strongly about if they're ever going to happen.

Get to the heart of the matter. 
Whatever it is that you and your partner have "agreed to disagree" about, take some time to get a deeper look at the issue for you. If you feel so strongly about this that you are willing to dig in your heels, it is probably a hot button issue for you!

When you think about this topic, what are your dominant thoughts and feelings? Does this situation remind you of anything that happened in your past?

You might want to write down the observations you make about your thoughts, feelings and recalled memories. These can help you get a better grasp of the dimensions of this issue.

When Brandy takes a deeper look at the question of their son learning to drive at the age of 14, she feels a preponderance of fear. She is fearful about her son getting hurt or hurting others accidentally.

She also realizes that she is fearful and sad about her son getting older and more independent.

Brandy can now see that a part of her wants to delay his growing up as much as she can. While she feels a bit embarrassed by this realization, it is helps Brandy get clearer about her position on the matter.

Don't make it about winning or losing. 
Sometimes when a couple gets stuck in a disagreement, one or both of them is attached to the idea of "winning" the discussion. Although this might not be the conscious thought, it is the compulsion all the same.

Inwardly and honestly reflect on your motivations. If you are wanting to "win" about this disagreement, acknowledge that to yourself.

Simply admitting that you are feeling competitive, defensive or prideful can help you to ease up. You can then begin to re-focus on the actual issue at hand.

If one or both of you is feeling powerless in some way in your relationship, you might feel compelled to "win." Ask yourself what you need in order to feel more powerful and then set aside a separate time when you can make requests of your partner that can help you.

It might also be that you don't feel powerful in your life in general. See what changes you can make in how you view yourself, your abilities and your life in order to make a shift and improve how you are feeling.

Open up to better understand. 
Keep yourself as open as you can when you are communicating with your mate about this topic upon which you two have "agreed to disagree."

This will probably require you to do the inner work we've suggested above so that when you talk about the issue, you are really able to hone in on it.

Joe has realized that "winning" with Brandy-- especially about this topic-- is very important to him. Joe feels like Brandy has lead the way in parenting their children over the years and he'd like to step up and take control in this area.

Remembering the special times he had with his father when he learned how to drive as a teen, Joe wants to create new memories with his own son.

As Joe realizes his deeper feelings about all of this, he is able to loosen up around his position somewhat.

When Joe and Brandy sit down again, they are both feeling less intense about each of their "sides" and they can stay open to truly listen to one another. They feel more confident that they can come up with a resolution and decision that both of them can feel good about.

As you listen to understand your partner and how he or she feels about this particular topic, you won't necessarily come away with a changed mind-- neither will your mate.

What can be different is that you and your partner will each feel listened to and probably better understood. You might realize that what your mate is asking for or suggesting is an idea that has some merit after all.

From this point of feeling heard and better understood, the two of you can make choices while also moving closer together. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

When Your Partner Wants "More" and You're Not Sure

Let's say that you have been dating a particular person for a period of time and the relationship has been fun, interesting, passionate and overall quite enjoyable. But now your partner wants more.

He or she has commented to you that it's time to take your relationship to the "next level." Frankly, this suggestion strikes fear and torment in you!

You really care about your partner-- you might even love him or her-- but you don't want to make a change or go to any "next level."

This dynamic can result in a lot of confusion, misunderstanding, hurt feelings and distance. You might see your partner as ruining a good thing by asking for more. Your partner may feel like you are dragging your feet and resisting a deeper commitment.

It might seem that the two of you are very far apart when it comes to what you want for the future of your relationship. And it may even appear that you two have to make a radical decision that could even mean breaking up.

Is it possible for two people who seem to want such different things to remain in a healthy and satisfying relationship? Will one of you have to give in and let go of what you truly desire in order to stay together?

This is a difficult-- and common-- relationship challenge. And these questions can be equally difficult to resolve.

Take heart if you are in such a relationship dilemma. Other people have faced these questions and apparent disagreements and have figured out how to stay together. You can too if that's what you decide to do.

It is possible for your relationship to weather this kind of obstacle as well. In fact, you might find that you two end up closer than before.

Get clear about what you do want. 
When you feel triggered and confused because your partner seems to desire a change that you are not so sure about, it's time for some clarity.

Our first suggestion to you is to stop jumping to conclusions about what this suggestion will mean-- or even about what your partner might be thinking.

Focus in on what you can know for sure; this is what you DO want.

Ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship with this person. Think about the agreements that you two might have made so far and feel into yourself to see if those still feel acceptable to you.

What are the changes you might like to make in your relationship?  Please note that we are not asking what changes you'd like your partner to make. What would you like to be different in your relationship?

This can include your own behaviors and habits as well as the way you and your partner interact and communicate.

Overall, how do you feel about this person? Be certain to acknowledge all of your feelings and also what you appreciate.

Get clearer about what your partner wants. 
If you want to stay in this relationship, you probably want there to be a healthy connection between the two of you. You probably want this disagreement about taking your relationship to the "next level" to be resolved in a way that pleases you both.

Another step toward such a resolution is to be clearer about what your partner wants.

When your partner asks for "more" or to move your relationship to the "next level," this might mean something completely different than what you guess it means.

Is he or she talking about getting married? Moving in together? Creating a drawer or space in the bathroom of his or her house for a few of your personal belongings?

It could mean any or none of these things.

Communicate your questions in a way that promotes openness. For example, you might say: "When you tell me that you want more from our relationship, what does that mean to you? Can you tell me more about what you want?" 

Your partner could then give you some specific ideas of what he or she is talking about. Feel free to ask for time to think about what has been requested.

Again, when you ask for time you can choose words that will encourage connection.

For instance, you could reply: "I appreciate you giving me more information about what you want. I care very much about you and our relationship and I will respond to what you are asking. Can we sit down together tomorrow evening after I've had a
chance to process and think more about what you've said?" 


Instead of making assumptions and reacting out of fear, irritation or resistance, get a fuller picture of what you want and what your partner wants. From there, you can more easily see the overlap between what you both desire and choose your next direction from there.

If this type of change still feels overwhelming to you, you can ask your partner to take it one decision at a time. There are almost always options that allow you both to feel satisfied while keeping your connection close. 

Can You Truly Just "Have Fun"?

It's the classic dating situation: Two people meet. They are attracted to one another and begin to spend time together. The continue to spend time together and become intimate.

One person makes it clear that he or she just wants to "have fun" and does not want a relationship or to get serious. As time passes, however, confusion, disagreement and possible pain about this "non-relationship" grows.

So, is it possible to just "have fun" together?

Of course it is. When two people have an agreement that they are both wanting to be casual about their interactions with one another, it can be fun and enjoyable.

This, however, is not a committed relationship.

We certainly hope that there is fun and enjoyment in love relationships and marriages, but there are also other elements that the casual dating experience does not usually include.

Let's back up a bit...

There are many people who simply don't want to be in a love relationship.

They may have had painful experiences in past relationships and still feel too vulnerable and wounded to jump back into another one now, or ever. They may hold beliefs that they will lose independence and a sense of control over their lives if they enter into a committed relationship.

Or, perhaps, they are clear within themselves that they do not want that kind of depth and level of involvement with another person right now.

None of these reasons are wrong.

It gets tricky, however, when a person who is not wanting to be in a relationship does want to date and possibly be sexually intimate with other people.

Upon first getting together, it might seem acceptable to the other person to just "have fun." But attachments can happen over time.  Feelings can deepen and grow.

The person who was initially okay with a non-relationship dating arrangement might find him or herself wanting more.

When both people do not want more at the same time, the fun quickly drains away leaving mainly hurt feelings and upset.

Make agreements with yourself. 
We understand that when you are first getting to know another person to whom you are attracted, neither of you really knows if this will turn into a love relationship or not.

At that first date, asking the other person to make relationship commitments to you is probably not a wise idea-- nor is it probably one that you would choose.

You are learning more about this person; you probably don't want to force things or end up in a relationship with someone whom you aren't all that excited about after all.

We encourage you to make commitments and agreements with yourself.

  • What is most important to you when it comes to this dating experience?
  • How would you like to be treated by this new person in your life?
  • Are there particular expectations that you have of him or her?
  • If the two of you are sexually intimate, what kind of agreements will you make?
While it may be unclear to you (and to your date) whether or not you want to deepen your interactions and eventually be in a committed relationship together, you can become very clear within yourself about what you want.

For example, if you truly are wanting to be in a committed relationship in the near future, be honest with yourself about that.  Whether it's this person or another, if this is what you really want, admit it to yourself.

Communicate as you go along. 
Keep the lines of communication open and honest as you are in this dating and "having fun" situation. Listen to what the other person is saying and ask yourself if this is acceptable to you at this time.

After a few months, you might want more. This is why continuing to talk is so important.

Again, we aren't suggesting that during the first weeks of dating, you corner this other person and try to get him or her to make a commitment to a relationship.

Yes, make agreements in the moment and make commitments that fit
where you are.

We also recommend that if your dating partner is clearly against being in a relationship and you would like to keep that open as a future possibility, be honest.

When you say okay to no relationship, that is also an agreement.

If you are amenable to a "no relationship" agreement, be sure that you continue to check in with yourself as the two of you spend more and more time together.

Be clear about what just "having fun" means to each of you in terms of dating other people and sexual intimacy.

Dating and attracting a love relationship can be difficult to do.  There are a lot of unknowns and many occasions for potential misunderstandings.

Keep the connection between you and you strong. Stay open and be honest about where you are and what you want. Above all, trust that you can have the kind of experience and relationships that you desire.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Hazards of Breakup Guilt

Jenny feels miserable. She is having a difficult time sleeping, cries easily and feels mostly like hiding away in her apartment.  This all began after her breakup with her long-term boyfriend.

It's all a big surprise to Jenny because breaking up was her idea.  She's the one who told him that their relationship was over. She's the one who packed up, moved out and started a new life...or, at least, is trying to.

If you are the one who broke up with or filed for divorce from your partner, you might be just as shocked as Jenny about how you feel.

Yes, you could be relieved that you are finally free of the angst, drama and emotional pain that possibly was present in your former relationship. You may be certain that breaking up was the best choice to make and yet...

You might also feel guilt.

You may feel guilty about making the choice to end the relationship, guilty about how torn up your ex is about you leaving or guilty about your role in whatever drove a wedge between you two in the first place.

We're here to tell you that guilt is not going to mend your ex's broken heart and it's not going to help you feel better. Guilt is mostly going to keep you stuck in the pain of the past and prevent you from creating the kind of future that you want for yourself.

If you aren't already familiar with the hazards of guilt, here are a few that you may be experiencing: sadness, depression, sleep disturbances, lack of appetite, overeating, tension in existing relationships, mood swings and even physical health problems.

Guilt is never beneficial for you, but it may be what you are feeling. So, how can you make the guilt go away?

Take responsibility and learn from what happened. 
Another interesting thing about guilt is that sometimes it is a way that a person unconsciously avoids taking ownership for his or her actions.

Instead of stepping up and saying, "Yes, I did____ and now I will make amends for that" the person continually focuses in on how guilty he or she is and really doesn't do anything more about it.

Calling yourself a "bad person" or otherwise beating up on yourself out of guilt is not taking responsibility-- it is an avoidance technique.

There may be nothing you can do to make amends to your partner. In fact, there might not even be a reason for you to make amends.  However, you can own your words and actions. You can take responsibility for whatever it is you are feeling so guilty about if this is truly appropriate to do.

This is NOT a suggestion for you to take the blame for why you and your ex-partner broke up. This is NOT advice telling you to try to be responsible for your ex's emotions or well-being.

This IS about you acknowledging that you made the choices you made and deciding if there is anything more you need to do to bring closure to the situation.

The process of taking responsibility for your share in whatever happened between you and your ex may not involve you communicating with him or her-- or it might. Feel into yourself and listen for what you are called to do next.

Be sure that you are really learning from this inner work. If there were specific habits of yours that seemed to be part of what drove you and your ex apart, this is probably something you want to address (and change) before you enter a new relationship.

Deliberately take steps to release the past-- and the guilt. 
Releasing the past is what it's all about. You cannot possibly move past the guilt and past your ended relationship-- complete with its angst, drama and pain-- until you let it all go.

Notice the specific memories or thoughts where you are feeling most stuck. These are most likely the places where you have unresolved business to attend to. This will probably involve you taking ownership for your role in a dynamic and learning from it.

When you feel like you have learned all that you can from this particular incident or tendency in your ended relationship, come up with a specific way that you can release it.

Get creative if that helps. Write a letter about it (whether or not you mail it is not important). Burn a symbol of the incident or habit in your fireplace. Get in a sauna or steam room and "sweat" it out.

Symbolic completion rituals like these can be very effective in helping you let go of whatever is keeping you stuck.

Another very important way to release the past (and the guilt) is to keep yourself focused on the present moment.

Stop fixating on the past and what you "should" have said or done differently. If you've taken responsibility, made amends-- if that was appropriate-- and learned from it, all that's left for you to do is to deliberately bring yourself back to the here and now. 

3 Tips for Re-Connecting After Jealousy Gets in the Way


Have you ever said or done something in the heat of jealousy and then uttered these words...
"I can't believe I just did that!"
If so, you are not alone.
The fear, worry and anger of jealousy can become so inflamed that it appears to take over your better senses. You might end up feeling mostly regret for what you just did.
Even if you don't feel regret about your jealousy-motivated actions or words (because sometimes they seem perfectly justified), it may become clear to you that it is getting in the way.

Jealousy is getting in the way of you and your partner having the kind of connection that you'd like.

Jealousy is getting in the way of the kind of communication you want to have with your mate.

Jealousy is getting in the way of the confident and assured manner that you'd like for yourself.
When you become adept at recognizing your jealous feelings when they first appear, you can start to apply techniques that can help you find ease and resolution easier and sooner...before you say the words or take the actions that lead to further distance in your relationship.
But that kind of early identification doesn't always happen. You need to know what steps you could take to re-connect with your partner after jealousy has appeared to have taken hold of you.
You need to know what to do when you are looking back at what just happened and you say to yourself...

"I can't believe I just did that!"
Here are three simple, yet very powerful, tips for re-connecting in just such a situation:
#1) Take responsibility.
Let's face it. It's not usually comfortable (or easy) to own up to what you've done.

We humans seem to have a propensity for pointing the finger of blame at anyone-- or anything-- other than us when something regrettable has occurred.
We aren't asking you to take the full brunt of the blame for the hurtful words that were said or the disconnecting actions that were taken. In fact, we don't want to focus on blame at all.
Instead, we encourage you to take responsibility for your share of the dynamics that are moving you and your partner further apart. Take no more and no less responsibility than your share.
Acknowledge that you are struggling with jealousy and that you allowed your jealous emotions to take over. Admit to what you've done or said with honesty and openness.
#2) Make amends.
Don't underestimate the power of a genuine and heartfelt apology. It does need to truly come from the heart, however.
Your partner can most likely feel it if you really are sorry about what happened.
When you apologize, don't apologize for anything but what you are responsible for. It is helpful if you see your apology as an end unto itself, rather than a way to force your mate to own up to what you think he or she should be sorry for.
If it feels appropriate, you can ask your partner how you might make amends for what you've done. Really listen to what he or she is requesting.

Are you willing to make amends in this way? If not, is there another action that is similar to this that you might propose?
When you do agree to make amends in a particular way, be sure to follow through.
Every time that you follow through-- whether it's making amends or on other agreements-- you bolster trust and promote connection.
#3) Learn from what happened.
This is essential. Remember the saying, "Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them?"
Take a thorough and honest look at your jealousy habit and the past (and present) experiences and dynamics that fuel it.
If you have low self esteem, it is probable the your jealousy is being fed by those beliefs. If you still carry around pain from being cheated on in the past, this is probably playing a part in your jealousy today.
Begin to make completions with your past and also to change any limiting beliefs so that you can stop your jealousy habit. It might take time and a lot of persistence-- but it's worth it.
 
While these 3 tips may seem simplistic, they are potentially relationship-altering. In many cases, people know what is required in difficult situations such as those involving jealousy, but they don't take the common sense steps called for.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

3 Things to Say When Your Man is Staring at Other Women

Jessica is furious. She and her boyfriend, Todd, are out having dinner together at their favorite restaurant. Yet, again, Jessica notices that Todd is starting at every attractive woman that passes by their table. This is a busy, trendy restaurant, so that's a lot!

From her perspective, Todd isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's checking out other women. When he craned his neck to watch the backside of a good-looking woman walk by, Jessica can't take it any longer.

She throws her drink in his face, grabs her purse and storms out of the restaurant. When Todd calls Jessica later that night, he is angry. He tells her that she's making a "big deal out of nothing."  As usual, Todd reminds her that he's never cheated on her and that looking at other women is completely harmless.

If you're a woman who is in a love relationship or marriage with a man who tends to stare at other women, you would probably agree with Jessica that this is NOT a completely harmless behavior. While it's true that checking out an attractive woman is vastly different than cheating, there is an effect...and it's not beneficial to
relationship connection and trust.

When your man stares at other women, you may try to keep your cool and pretend that it doesn't bother you. If this is your usual reaction, good luck keeping that up!

Or, you might try to talk with him about this. You may have already asked him to stop the behavior and he may have even agreed to, but he hasn't kept his word. Like Todd, your man may have brushed away your concerns (and your feelings), called you jealous and become defensive.

If you're bothered that your partner is staring at other women, escalating your criticisms of his behavior is probably not working.  Quietly fuming about it isn't helpful to you or your relationship
either.

Before we offer you communication advice for what you could say when he's staring at other women, we encourage you to do this first...

Stop the stories and get clear about what's true. 

If your partner has a history of checking out other women, you're possibly expecting him to keep doing this. You may also have a big story already firmly planted in your mind about why he does this and what it means.

Some-- or none-- of that story may be true.

Before you say or do anything at all, notice what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Pay attention to what you might be telling yourself in an attempt to understand his behavior and then get really clear about what's your story and what's actually going on.

It may be that, this time, he was not actually staring at another woman. Perhaps he truly was looking at the game on the tv above the bar. Maybe he was searching for your server so that he could order an appetizer.

Maybe and maybe not.

If there's a question in your mind about what he actually was doing, acknowledge that to yourself. Really hone in on what you can reliably know about what he was doing and pay special attention to how you feel about it.

Now, you're ready to communicate about this... 

#1: "I'd like to connect with you."
Believe it or not, you don't even have to make an accusation like, "I see you checking her out!" in order to change the situation. Focus in on what you really want-- that could be to have a close and loving connection with your man.

If this is what you really want, let him know that without pointing out how he is to blame for what you believe you don't have.

This is NOT letting him "off the hook." What a statement like this does is to communicate to your partner that he's important to you and that you'd like to check in with him. It can re-direct his attention back to you. From there, you two can engage in whatever conversation or activity you were doing before.

#2: "I feel ignored and rejected when you stare at other women." 
"I feel" statements are powerful ways to address a troubling situation without putting the other person on the defensive. You are taking ownership for how you feel and you place your feelings in the context of his behaviors.

Let's be clear that nobody-- not even your man-- can make you feel any particular way. You feel how you feel largely because of your thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. This doesn't mean that it's okay for your partner to ogle other women, either.

Let him know that you have feelings that come up when he acts in certain ways. A statement like this can open the door to how you two can work together so that you BOTH feel fulfilled in your relationship.

#3: "I think she's pretty too. Now, can I have your attention so that we can return to our date?"
This third possible statement is one that acknowledges what's going on (from your perspective) and then re-focuses both of you on what your true priority is-- your date, your dinner together, your conversation and each other.

You know, some people are absolutely gorgeous. This doesn't mean that you're not attractive, that you have to compete with someone who looks like a model or that your man thinks that you're ugly and wants to have an affair*.

It could mean that this woman caught your man's eye for some reason. You don't have to make it more than what it is. Just recognize out loud what you see is happening and let him know that you're interested in engaging with him.

Make sure that whatever you choose to say feels genuine to you and, if at all possible, speak in ways that encourage openness and honesty. Try words like these and see what happens.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*If you see red flags or signs that your partner IS having an affair, don't ignore them. Be wise and rely on tangible evidence to decide what's really going on. 

How to Say "No" to Your Jealous Partner

Andy is sick and tired of coming home after a hard day at the office to his wife, Caroline's, incessant questions. Almost as soon as he enters their house, her probing inquiries begin.

"Who did you meet with today?"
"I don't know her. Is she someone you see often?"
"Where did you go for lunch this afternoon?"
"Did you eat alone?"
"When did you have lunch?"
"Why didn't you e-mail or text me to check in?
"

After Andy attempts to answer Caroline's questions, he feels annoyed and defensive. Andy knows that Caroline had a painful past before they began dating. She has a lot from her childhood to deal with as well as a couple of bad relationships before they met.

At the same time, Andy is worn out and, frankly, done being patient with Caroline's daily interrogations that are fueled by her jealousy. He doesn't know what to do other than give in and answer each question or to abruptly demand space and walk away.

If you are with a jealous partner, you might relate to Andy's dilemma.

You may love and care very much about your partner and your relationship. You feel you have nothing to hide and have done nothing wrong, which is why his or her jealous behavior toward you is so frustrating!

Most of all, what you might want to do is to tell your mate that "No, I will not answer your jealous questions"...but you don't because you're worried about really setting him or her off.

We urge you not to give up on your love relationship or marriage if you truly want to be with your current partner. There are ways to communicate and set boundaries with your jealousy partner that can actually improve your relationship.

Do the advance work... 
There may be a pattern to when your partner is most obviously jealous. It could be when you two have been apart all day. Or, it might be when you are out together (or separately) socially.

Begin to pay attention to the situations and even the words that you use that seem to trigger a jealous reaction from your mate. Look for ways that you might be inadvertently triggering the jealous reaction.

Let's be clear here-- we are NOT saying that your partner's jealousy is your fault. We do want you to be aware of slight changes to your own habits that could ease this situation, however.

Take the time to ask yourself what you could differently-- without compromising what is important to you-- that might be less likely to trigger your mate.

One thing might be to interrupt an interrogation or accusation in progress and request that you two talk about this issue later, when you are not feeling defensive and when your partner can calm down and re-evaluate what he or she thinks is happening.

Allow your partner to own his or her jealousy...
As much as you'd like to "fix" or "solve" your mate's jealousy problem, you can't.

If you apply labels to your partner or try to figure out his or her jealousy habit and then expect your mate to be grateful to you for this, you're probably going to be disappointed.

What you CAN do is to be honest when you feel wrongly accused or that your privacy and space is being invaded. It's up to you how much transparency you are willing to provide to your jealous partner.

(If you've had an affair or broken trust, even if your partner is jealous it may be wise for you to be transparent.)

When your mate does take ownership for being jealous, be supportive and ask how you can work with him or her to help improve your relationship.

Say "No" and set boundaries with love and an invitation to connect...
When you set a boundary with your jealous partner, do so with love and be clear that it is your intention to connect, even though you are essentially saying "No" to the jealous habit.

If you are tired of being asked to account for what you did and who you were with every second of every day, think about how you could say "No" to this request for information with kindness.

For example, you might say, "I am not going to answer your questions right now. I love you and I will share with you about my day after I have had a chance to relax and unwind."

You could also say something like, "I feel annoyed and accused when you greet me at the door with questions like this. I would love to hear how your day was and also let you know how my day was as a way to connect with one another. Will you make a shift and talk with me in this different way?"

Saying "No" to a jealous partner does not have to mean more distance and disconnection between the two of you. In fact, when you communicate your boundaries with a sense of honesty, openness and love, you can help support your partner as he or she overcomes jealousy. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Advice to Help You (Finally) Find Your "Mr. or Ms. Right"

Dana never thought she'd still be single when she was in her mid- 30s. She always figured that, by that time of life, she'd be settled into a great relationship and maybe even married with kids.

This is not what's happened.

Although Dana has been in a few serious love relationships, they've always gone sour at a certain point. These have always reached a place in which Dana could see that this guy was not her "Mr. Right"-- from there, the breakup seemed inevitable.

Now Dana is getting serious. She doesn't want to spend her life alone, or in a string of casual romantic trysts. She has informed her friends that she is making finding her perfect match her top priority.

If you are on the look-out for your "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right," you might feel similarly. You may feel ready to finally find that perfect match for you. You may even desire to meet up with your soulmate.

Ultimately, you probably want this relationship-- the one that will be passionate, close and long-lasting-- to finally happen!

When what you want most of all is for your perfect match to come into your life and he or she doesn't seem to be coming, it can be frustrating, disheartening and maybe even a little scary.

Stop trying so hard...
Our first advice to anyone who is searching for his or her true love is to ease up a bit.

As you might have encountered in other areas of your life, when you are tense and hyper-focused on a goal, sometimes it seems to refuse to come into fruition. On the other hand, at the moment that you throw up your hands in surrender to whatever the situation is, that sought after thing happens-- and often with relative ease.

This doesn't mean that you should stop wanting to have that great relationship. We certainly encourage you to create an image of how you want to feel in the relationship you are attracting.

Yes, of course, envision that wonderful relationship that you desire.

But after you do that envisioning and imagining, let go. Don't put all of your attention and efforts into finding that perfect match.

Instead, go on about your life.

Stay open and have fun...
Dana still sees attracting a great relationship as a priority-- it's no longer her main or only priority. But she's now made a shift and is not so tensed up and hyper-focused on trying to make her "Mr. Right" come into her life-- she admits that she couldn't force it to happen anyway.

Dana is beginning to choose how she spends her time differently.  Instead of always thinking about where there might be more eligible men to meet and then going to those places or doing those things, Dana is starting to spend more time doing the activities that appeal the most to her.

This is new for her. It's also more fun!

When Dana is out at a bar or club with her friends, she is there to have a good time and laugh-- not necessarily to always be on the look- out for a guy who may or may not be her perfect match.

Although this could sound contradictory, in many many cases, people meet up with their "Mr. or Ms. Right" when they're just out doing what they love to do-- not when they're out intending to meet a mate.

Go to the places and do the activities that are fun and enriching for you. If you aren't sure what those things are, experiment and try new ones.

Allow your "perfect" relationship to unfold and emerge...
Keep in mind that if you're looking for a relationship that is "perfect" in that you and your partner never argue, disagree or become irritated with one another, you're most likely going to be alone and/or disappointed over and over again.

Re-think the whole notion of what a "perfect" relationship could be-- and also what a "Mr. or Ms. Right" could be.

Of course, you are probably looking for a person with whom you feel a certain excitement, passion and mutual respect. But we urge you stay open because you might just be surprised by the "perfect" relationship that unfolds for you, if you let it.

Close, connected and passionate relationships require care and nurturing. Sometimes it can even feel like hard work.

These kinds of relationships are so rewarding and even "perfect" because they involve two people who possibly bumped into one another, liked what developed between them and they choose to stay together because they truly enjoy and want to continue their connection.

If this is the kind of perfect match that you'd like, stay true to who you are and allow yourself to experience life fully-- we bet that the right person for you will emerge

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Passionate Heart Relationship Mini-Course‏ - DAY 5 FINAL

What it takes to succeed in creating a great relationship is...

The commitment to not run away and hide when things get tough.

One of the things we learned very early in our relationship was that
we each had a tendency in our previous relationships to shut down
emotionally and even physically run away when things got tough.  
Because we recognized that this pattern can create big problems in
relationships, we made the commitment to each other that we would not
make the same mistake in our relationship.

We committed that we would stay present with each other and not run
away, either emotionally or physically.  Sounds like a great
commitment but we've discovered that it can be a challenge to keep.

What we are sure of is that this principle of not running away has
made our relationship stronger, increased trust between us and has
helped to create the close, connected feeling that we have with each
other.

What does it take to not run away and hide when things get tough?

Here are some tips to help you and your partner if you choose to make
this commitment to each other:

1.    Find out what your patterns are when there's conflict between
the two of you or conflict with someone else.  What do you
immediately do?  Lash out in anger?  Put up walls between you and the
other person and pull all of your energy inside yourself?  Leave the
room?  What does your partner do when this happens?

2.    If you decide that you don't want to create these harmful
patterns anymore, decide how you would like to act in those
situations.  Change can take time and it usually means taking "baby
steps" in moving toward the behavior you want so be patient with
yourself.  It's important that you focus on you and your patterns
rather than what your partner is doing.  Always start with yourself
and if you keep pointing your finger outward toward your partner,
just know that you will probably stay stuck in the same "dance" that
you've been in.  We urge you to commit to changing "you."

3.    Ask for help if you find that you unconsciously go into your
patterns.  This may be help from your partner who can lovingly point
them out to you (only if you agree how you'd like him/her to do
this).  It may also be that you need support from a coach, therapist
or even a friend.  If you choose a friend, choose someone who can
lovingly tell you the truth about your actions and not someone who
will either be critical of you or sugar coat the truth.

If you want a great relationship, learning how to stay present and
talk and listen is just about the most important skill you can learn.  

This is the final lesson in this mini-series.

7 RIDICULOUS LAWS AGAINST WOMEN


1. In Maryland, a woman cannot go through her husband’s pockets while he is sleeping. Not even if she really wants a piece of gum.
2. In Vermont, a woman must obtain written permission from her husband if she wishes to wear false teeth. Because women really lead with their teeth in wanton, uncontrolled sexuality.
3. In Tucson, Arizona, women are not allowed to wear pants. No word on the stance on booty shorts or thongs.
4. In Carrizozo, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to appear unshaven in public. Rejoice, razor industry, rejoice!
5. In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to call a man on a date. I don’t want to live in a world where equal-opportunity drunk dialing isn’t free to all.
6. In Carmel, New York, women may not wear high heels within the city limits. They are obviously just protecting their citizens, as this move effectively disqualifies the city from ever letting a “Sex and the City” sequel to be shot in their town. Good move, Carmel!
7. In Michigan, a woman isn’t allowed to cut her hair without her husband’s permission. But what if her husband cuts it for her?

Passionate Heart Relationship Mini Course‏ - DAY 4

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons that people fail in relationships
is...

They aren't clear about what they want, what's important to them and
their lives aren't in alignment with their values.

Before you can tell others what you want, you have to know what is
important to you.  We've discovered that many relationships that are
in trouble are in the shape they are in because one or both people
either don't know what's important to them or their actions aren't in
alignment with their values.

We'll explain what we mean...

Many people say they want a great relationship but they spend the
majority of their time at work or attending social and community
groups, leaving very little if any time to connect with their
partner.

We suggest that you be very clear inside yourself how you want to
live your life and then live it accordingly.  If you say your kids
are the most important people in your life, then spend time with
them.  If you say your connection to your partner is most important,
then allow your life to reflect that.  Do whatever is necessary to
first find out what you truly value and then begin spending your time
and energy cultivating those areas of your life.

A good way to begin doing this is to make a list of what is most
important to you and then rank the items in your list.  Then chart
how you actually spend your time for one week.  Next, compare your
list of what you value most with how you are actually spending your
time.

Ask yourself these questions-
"Am I spending my time according to what I value most?"
"How can I pay attention more to the things that I value most?"

If one of those "things" that you value most is your relationship and
you aren't spending the time and energy to keep it growing and
strong, begin to find ways to do that.  If you do, your relationship
stands a much better chance of lasting and growing into something
very wonderful.

Monday, May 9, 2011

10 fun and wallet-friendly date ideas


Tired of the boring dinner and a movie combo? Revitalise your relationship with these fun date ideas, no bank breaking involved!
So you’ve been together for a while and well, quite frankly, your dates have become more drab than fab! Yes, we know that the economy has taken a turn for the worse and everything is just so expensive (blah blah), but getting stuck in a relationship rut is never fun.
Try these 10 ideas!
1. Be amused
Amusement parks are an excellent option if you are looking for a fun date idea. Unleash your inner child and enjoy a full day’s activity, often for less than the price of a fancy dinner!
This is a date that offers something for everyone, whether you enjoy the thrill of rollercoaster rides, shows or simply exploring, you’re sure to find an activity that suits your tastes. Gold Reef City and Ratanga Junction are excellent homegrown options.
2. Play miniature golf
This fun activity gives couples the opportunity to relax and enjoy the game while keeping some friendly competition alive.
Adventure Golf has options in Durban, Cape Town and Johannesburg, and with three games per ticket redeemable for 12 months, it’s a cost effective option too.
3. Visit a video game arcade
These places are filled with all of the latest video games as well as a few old fashioned ones that will remind you of your youth. Just grab some tokens and stay entertained for hours.
You and your date can either complete directly in two-player games or work as a team in other games.
4. Keep it in the community
If you have planned your all-day date for a Saturday, then you will be able to find plenty of fun things to do. Check out your newspaper for flea markets, garage sales and other community events that cost nothing to attend.
You may even find some really great deals on fun and unusual items. See if there are any concerts or plays at local parks, or take in a fun workshop with activities you both enjoy.
5. Pack a picnic
Take a drive in the country, and find a nice place to go for a leisurely walk through the woods, or along a sandy beach. If you’re closer to the city, a botanical garden offers a wonderful backdrop.
Prepare a fun lunch that you and your date can enjoy on a picnic. Make tasty sandwiches, cupcakes and all kinds of other delicious treats that the two of you can eat just about anywhere. Don’t forget to pack a Frisbee or ball to keep you entertained.
6. Exercise your grey matter
Pub quiz nights allow you a chance to enjoy delicious hearty, well-priced, pub fare while you work with your team to answer as many general knowledge questions as possible, often with hilarious results! Prizes often include drinks and bar tabs – score! Check with your favourite local pub when their quiz night is.
7. Go dancing
Many clubs waive the cover charge if you get there early, so head out for some cocktail sundowners and get ready to dance the night away. FTV Cafes and CafĂ© Vacca Matta have excellent finger food menus if you’re feeling a bit peckish.
8. Laugh a little
Participating in an improvisation class can be another fun date idea. Many comedy clubs offer these classes during the day. In the class you will be challenged to participate in several games that force you to think on your feet with hilarious consequences. Alternatively visit a comedy club at night and enjoy a laughter-filled evening.
9. Unleash your inner child
Visiting a local playground is another fun date idea. Many adults haven’t been to a playground since they were children and a nostalgic trip can help you to feel young again. Racing each other up the slide and seeing who can swing higher on the swings are fun ways to keep things lighthearted with your partner.
10. Get sporty
Playing a sport such as tennis or soccer is another fun date idea. Bowling or shooting pool are also good options. The physical activity of this date will draw you and your partner closer together.
You will also enjoy the thrill of competition as each of you strives to win the game. Spice things up and let the winner decide exactly what he/she wants the loser to do!

Yes, it’s important to place a high value on your relationship and treasure your partner, but after having a thousand 5-star dinners, even the most refined palate craves a sandwich! Fancy dinners and trips to the theatre are nice but they don’t really allow the couple just to relax and have fun together, and isn’t that what Date Night is all about?

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