Thursday, March 24, 2011

Is your cellphone password an issue in your relationship?

This is a relay of a problem I once had to help a friend through, name will be anonymous>>>> her words......

We, like many couples, started off well enough, and as the honeymoon stage passed, things got a bit more serious. 

It was inevitable that one of us would start asking questions about the phone, and the secured password, which was always on, without fail. 

I for one, had a very good explanation for this action. My touch screen phone tends to call people randomly when it moves around in my handbag, so to prevent that, I activated my password, and that was it.

For the sake of peace, it was decided that my password would be deactivated

When my partner started getting suspicious about this story of mine, I knew that another issue was surfacing. Its clear that when you or your partner are not comfortable with cellphone passwords, it’s a definite indication of trust issues within the relationship.

For the sake of peace, it was decided that my password would be deactivated, so that he was at liberty to access my phone as he pleases, and I on the other hand, was not to show any level of interest in his phone.

It may sound crazy, but this is how many couples deal with the password saga

Some couples are free enough to have access to each other’s phones, as they feel they have nothing to hide. However, the majority of couples operate on the ‘lets stay away from each other’s phones’ method. 

The sad truth is that this method has very little to do with respecting each other’s privacy, and more to do with the fact that there is a great deal of mistrust between the two. 

Why on earth would it be okay for a couple not to have rights to each other's phones when transparency is a dominant value between the two?

Two wrongs don’t make a right

It was when I was questioned about the phone calls and messages I receive from my male friends that I realized this password issue had taken another turn. I activated my password as a reaction; he was going a bit too far, and I would put a stop to it. But the issue only became worse. 

In my opinion, the whole point of activating one's password, from a male perspective, is to keep you out of his phone. I’ll repeat it. Men activate passwords to keep you out of their phones! 

It’s also safe to say that women, in most cases, might do it for the same reason. 

Unless she is the cheating type, who in that case, would ensure she deletes every suspicious message she gets, but still, keep her phone unlocked. She would therefore still be defined as innocent.

When a partner notices that you have a password on your phone, they might conclude that you have something to hide. And this is why trust will eventually become a questionable value between the couple.

Here are a few points on how to build the 'password' trust between you and your partner:

1.    Always be open and honest with your partner, especially when you honestly have nothing to hide. When you have nothing to hide, avoid activating the password on your phone.

2.    If you have already activated the password and he seems okay with it, or does not mind at all, then by all means, go ahead.

3.    If he does mind you having a password on your phone, and has made this clear enough, deactivate it. He will then see that you have nothing to hide. You don’t want to tackle him on this one unless you are prepared to deal with a nosey, insecure man for as long as you have that password.

4.    If your partner has activated his password, don't make it an issue. Avoid nagging about it, because this leads a man to rebel, and even if he understands your point, he will not listen to a nagging woman.

5.    Show less interest in his phone, not for his sake, but for your own sake. The moment your insecurities get away with you, they are most likely not going to end, and will just get worse.

6.    Ever heard the saying “if you are looking for something, you will eventually find it”. Snooping is the worst thing you could do. Truth is, you are most likely to find something that makes you unhappy if you keep looking for it. Another fact: most women can’t handle that truth. You are doing yourself a favour.

7.    Learn to trust yourself. That way, trust will flow naturally from you, and he will sense that.

8.    Show less interest in his phone, and make it clear to him that you do not care for it. That way, he will see that his attempt to keep hiding his phone or his information from you is futile. Besides, you have better things to focus on than his phone.

9.    Remember that trusting yourself and your partner by keeping away from his phone is not turning a blind eye. It's a display of confidence in yourself.

10.    Lastly, once a man recognizes that you are now confident in yourself and have let go of the nagging issues, he will be more open to you. This is the beginning of a healthy relationship.
Trust is a lesson best learned over time

And the best way to build trust, is to be honest, transparent, and open to your partner. He also will, in turn, develop the same trust, honesty and transparency towards you.

It is possible for couples to be open and disclose all, but sometimes, it’s not necessary. So, it’s not ideal to make an issue where there should be no issue. 

When both you and your partner get to a level of comfort with each other, this phase will seem like another chapter in your relationship you will both laugh about one day in the future.

Is your cellphone password an issue in your relationship?

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